Ways to Annoy Osama Bin Laden

Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.

Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?"

Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.

Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.

Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.

Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.

Mine his bathroom.

Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.

Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.

Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to "kick his ass every day for eternity".

Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden".

Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.

At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.

Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.

Complement him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.

Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.

Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.

Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.

Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!"

Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.

Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind."

Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modeling.

Ask him, "say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly.

Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie". If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".*

Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels.

When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"

 

 

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