ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant
extract that treats mom's
depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for
up to two days.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository
that eliminates melancholy and
loneliness by reminding you of
how awful they were as
teenagers and how you couldn't
wait till they moved out.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid
silicone drink for single women.
Two full cups swallowed before
an evening out increases
breast size, decreases
intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL
When
taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music
and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR
Increases life
expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the
urge to flip off other
drivers. MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for
older women. Increases
resistance to such lethal lines
as, "You make me want to be a
better person... Can we get
naked now?" BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant
taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency, duration, and
credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by
a man who can't remember your
birthday, anniversary or
phone number. ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray
carried in a purse or wallet to
be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories
with total strangers in
elevators. NAGAMENT
When administered to a
husband, provides the same
irritation level as nagging
him all weekend, saving the wife
the time and trouble of doing it
herself.
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